This part of my writing is the memory lane of me getting into the PhD program. It was a glorious feeling. I remember having a period of intense anxiety about the PhD application, and then finally be admitted into a PhD program. That was in the end of 2016.

Acceptance email reaction - Person jumping with excitement

It was a strange PhD, an industrial PhD. You’d never hear it often because, part-time or not, I found it hard to argue for the necessity of a PhD.

🙀 Given the nature of my PhD, I rarely care about "the impact" in a formal sense, instead, I focused on the impact of my research for my industry or company.

I was a bit afraid to be a student again, after a few years of industry experience. When I was accepted, I realized that I would need to adhere to the normal standards of a PhD student in terms of quality of work, creativity, and independence.

I was a true PhD student, not a special breed, even if I was a part-time student rather than a full-time one. No special treatment was necessary or desired.

PhD student reality - Person drowning in books and papers

Ideally, I would want to behave and perform like just a normal PhD student. I had read that the PhD student was an apprentice of the academics, someone who is learning to be a researcher rather someone simply learning knowledge. So, I didn’t want any special treatment, since treating me differently would train me to be a “special” researcher.

🤔 Like a good student, it should be true for me that I should be able to identify on my own novel research problems, and produce good work that solves the problem / adds a new perspective. Then I would learn to communicate the research finding to the community by giving talks / writing papers. Finally, I respond to the scrutiny and feedback from the research community by defending my views or refining them!

With that in mind, I was a bit anxious of the “free-pass” PhD, where they would say “as long as you pay the tuition, we will give you a PhD”.

I am almost sure such things do not exist, especially for a reputable school. I can’t imagine the amount of shame I’d feel if there is a way for someone to pay for a PhD. It is way more than a transactional matter, it is about the intrinsic pursuit of one’s intellectual curiosity.

Paying for PhD - Cash being exchanged for diploma with worried face

The first few classes were so confusing, everyone was saying words I hadn’t heard for 3+ years. I had to go back to textbooks, many of which I’ve already sold during my master programs, to refresh myself with all the formal terminologies. I had been working in industry, where simple terminology with 80% accuracy works better than the most precise terminologies.

To make it worse, I had a bad habit of reading & watching EVERYTHING AT ONCE. My browser was filled with 30+ tabs covering all dimensions & facets of a topic, all without a filter of relevancy. I tried to read everything, without being able to tell how valuable a piece of reading material could be.

😮‍💨 It was worse in the beginning years, as I was constantly doubting my own ability to produce novel ideas. Is my PhD ever going to be good enough? Am I making a good use of my time? Those were questions I asked myself regularly. So, I read a ton without synthesizing and reflecting.

Actually, that first semester was one of the most confusing times in my life. I was struggling to shift from reading science to creating it. I was spending more time complaining how difficult it was than being productive.

Over the winter break, I spent quite some time doing homework, writing first drafts, and meeting others to discuss about the topics that were related to the PhD. Strangely, I had a very strong memory of the first winter break, I finally admitted to myself that getting a PhD was truly challenging. I had a moment of doubt if I can finish it, if it was a mistake to enroll in the program!

🙀 Why would I do such a horrible thing to myself? Do I need a PhD to begin with? Wouldn't it be enough to learn things on my own?

Many years later now, I managed to get the degree. Honestly, it was a tough journey, with unimaginable challenges. But, I learned a ton throughout the process, and I am glad I went through it.

😻 This post was a bit different from how I organize my blog post. I am also learning to write more authentic piece, rather than a post after rigorous organization. This more closely resembles how I've been thinking of the experience. You'll have to bear with me if some of the points aren't well stated.